An Open Letter To New Mothers

Now I certainly don't consider myself an expert Mother, but I have survived the past 8 years of motherhood with my marriage and sanity (mostly) intact.

Over the past few months, I have spoken to some new mothers and have been left feeling somewhat...well...concerned. It seems that there is this incredible pressure to be the perfect mother. All knowing, all giving.

Of course, I believe we should do all we can to make sure our children are thriving, but I don't think we need to sacrifice all of ourselves in the process.

You also know that a fan I am of all moms. This is not about whether or not you should or should not work, breastfeed, spank or immunize. I don't care about any of that. You're a grown up, those choices are yours to make.

What I am speaking to is the lack of caring for yourself, while caring for your baby.

If I may, I'd like to offer the following suggestions. Take them for what it's worth, which is probably nothing...

*Get yourself a partner. Husband, boyfriend, girlfriend, mother or father. Someone who is there to support you. Make sure they know that their job is to support and exactly what it looks like to support. Draw pictures if needed.

*You need to get this partner trained. Trained to the point that you feel comfortable enough to leave (yes, I said leave) your baby with them. Even overnight. To achieve this, it is going to require you letting go of some control.

I've got myself a well trained husband. There is nothing better. I'm leaving for a week on Monday, guess who is home with The Boy... yep, my husband. No MIL needed.

*Please, for the love of all that is good, Get. Some. Sleep. Sleep deprivation is used a torture in many countries. Make yourself sleep when the baby is napping. The dishes can wait. So can the laundry.

Tell your partner you need a night off. Get a nice hotel room. Alone. (If you go with your partner, they will misread this and think the hotel room is for sex, not sleep. And, we all know that is the FURTHEST thing from your mind.)

One night of sweet REM and you're back on track. If a night away is out of the question, tell your partner its their turn. Get some earplugs and sleep in the guest room.

*Back away from the parenting books. They are just too overwhelming. In moderation they can be okay, but your mommy instinct is worth 100 times more than any of those nutty theories. Listen to it.

*Find yourself a "Mommy Guru" (MG). A mommy a bit ahead of you in the game, with older kids. Choose someone you genuinely like. Someone who is easy to be around. Someone you can relate to. Someone who has a mommy style that is in line with yours.

(A word here: Sometimes we meet mommies that seem to have it all going perfectly. Stay away from these "Stepford Mommies". You are likely to be judged instead of inspired. Plus, it's not real. And, it's not interesting. Choose someone who can laugh about their own parenting mishaps.)

When your mommy intuition just isn't coming through, call your MG, she'll help you out. And, if you've chosen well, buy you a drink.

*Take One for the Team. Okay, this one is going to cause some of you to curse me, but I feel it's necessary. Have sex with your husband. There, I said it. I know it's the LAST thing you want to do right now and I know I said to go alone to the hotel room. And you should, for sleep. Once you get the sleep, you can give the sex.

Your husband is going through a lot of changes too. The main one being that his wife is a totally new asexual creature who feeds a human being with her breasts (and it's not him). Its nice for him to feel re-assured that the hot nympho is still in there somewhere (even if she's not now, I promise, she comes back for the occasional appearance.). And, as you know, sex is how many men feel connected.

Hey, you might even be surprised that you don't mind it as much as you thought you would once things get started.

*Get a social life. Even if it's just Bunko once a month. You need some time laughing and talking about things besides baby. It gives you a reason to wash your hair and wear something without an elastic waist. (Another side note here: steer clear of cliquey mommy groups. Judgmental, exclusive moms are no fun. There are plenty of cool women out there and you will find them.)

*Do something for yourself at least once a week. Whether its a pedicure, yoga class or a solo trip to Target, your well-being is directly related to baby's well-being!

*Don't worry so much! I know you feel like you are saving baby's life fifty times a day, that's expected. I am talking about the guilt and worry about doing something wrong. Making some irreversible mistake.

Newsflash: You are a not now, nor will you ever be a perfect mother. There is no such thing. She is nothing but an urban legend. And, the last lady that claimed that title went into hiding when her kids went on a drug-induced crime spree. Love on that baby and listen to your mommy instinct. That will always be enough.

I leave you with this: What kind of motherhood do you want for your own daughter? Go ahead and set the example by giving it to yourself.

© 2008 The R Family Diaries. All Rights Reserved.