Either I'll become social or...

I'll continue to hide from strangers. (And talk about them on the Internet.)

We went to the park a few days ago. When we arrived there were several Moms, all whom had other mom companions. We arrived just before lunch since we were going to have a picnic. All the mothers did there motherly stare down at which point they decide who I am, what I am about and whether or not I'm worthy of a hello.

Okay, so maybe that stare down thing is just my imagination running wild but it sure feels that way.

Let me start by saying, I keep to myself and have not one single friend within a 30 mile radius of my house. Okay, so maybe that makes me sensitive to other mothers who actually have friends. Whatever. That is so not the point.

Also, until 30 days ago I didn't need any friends. In fact, I didn't have time for any friends. Clearly, now? I'm desperate. But, that desperation is for another post.

First, I need to tell you about the playground. The ever loving playground and the mommy's who lurk there... a recap if you will.

The Nanny's. Hard to spot at first glance because you never just want to assume a young woman couldn't possibly be that cute and trendy whilst wiping bottoms and cleaning up drool without pay. A few trips to the park and you can quickly tell a Nanny from Mom just by her cell phone. Generally speaking a mom will not sit on a park bench with another mom and talk and text on her cell phone whilst corralling two toddlers. Not that any mom is not capable of that kind of multitasking. It's just when a mom gets another real mom in front of her, you know, someone who uses complete sentences, she will give that non-toddler non-drooling woman her almost (because one eye is always on the babes) undivided attention.

The Older Mom. This is the mom who, for whatever reason, decided to wait to have a family until the very last possible second. (I get that it isn't always a choice, quit hating.) For whatever reason the area I live in is full of this mom. This mom is often a first time mom who, because of her age, suddenly knows everything that is best for your child even if you didn't ask. For some reason this mom makes me the most nervous. Maybe it's because some of them are old enough to be my mom. Or, maybe because I suddenly feel like a teenager who has two toddlers waiting to be reprimanded. I find the best way to deal with this mom is to avoid eye contact at all costs because I can't handle feeling like a teen.

The Know It All Mom. This mom closely resembles the Older Mom but only with more youth and less tact (if that's possible) and access to the Internet. This mom generally travels alone and is the first one to start a conversation.

TKIAM: Oh, I see your child has a drink.

OCC: Hot out today. (Notice the slight change in subject.)

TKIAM: You know, breast milk is best.

OCC: Uh, huh. (Doing my best to not sound interested.)

TKIAM: The WHO recommends that baby's be breastfed until the age of 2.

OCC: Yeah. It's just water. From a cup. Because it's hot out and it's the Park. (Speaking slowly. How dare she assume I don't have the Internet. Slightly annoyed, walking away.)

TKIAM: (Following) Well I guess water is better than juice.

OCC: Uh, huh.

TKIAM: And way better than formula.

OCC: (PISSED) Look, she's still breastfeeding and will be 2 next week and for your information she was fed formula for the first day of her life. Do you see 4 eyes? Horns? (Yeah, I see the horns too but that's not from the formula.) I think it's great that you are spreading the word. I already have this information. Thank you. (Grabbing both children suddenly needing to go potty.)

Yeah. She's pushy AND wants everyone to know about her knowledge. I generally can forgive this mommy for being outgoing with her information since she thinks she is doing a good thing. But, she needs to back off. You know, I might even like this mom if she would just chill the eff out.

The Mom Who Tries Too Hard. This is the mom who when she packs a picnic for the park it is not in a grocery bag or reusable sack. No, it's in a picnic basket, you know, with plates and utensils encased in a basket like structure. Not only does she pack water for each individual, she also includes juice, chips, pretzels, sandwiches and a blanket to sit on and a back-up blanket in case the first gets wet. This mom also packs both children's bikes for playing after the picnic. At first glance she appears to have her ducks all in a row until you watch closely to learn she is just like you and me. It starts with forgetting her daughter's sunglasses, then forgetting the helmets to ride bikes then the crows take the chips while they are taking a potty break quickly followed by what may be the most awkward park experience of my life (but that's a story for another day).

The Mom Who Hovers: This mom is characterized by constantly needing to be within 2 feet of her child at all times. And, I blame to media. I realize that some play structures can be a little advanced for 2 year olds and some 3 year olds but unless you have a really daring child or a really klutzy one your child will not willingly risk it's life for a little thrill. It's not that I don't understand. Heck, I blame the media for implanting that all people want to do is steal our children and harm them. Yes, I agree, watching our children is their best defense against bad things. But, hovering squashes independence and really effs up my play date parent to parent time. Trust me, you'll know when she's hurt.

The Mom Who Observes: This mom is characterized by a non-inviting grimace which states by the furrowed brow do not approach, unfriendly person behind the mask. The Observer likes to watch how moms and kids interact and likes to know that interaction between parents exists but does not want to actually participate in said action with strangers. She prefers to wallow in her own pity about not having any friends than actually do something about it. The mere thought of social interaction with strangers frightens her yet has never been disappointed from an encounter yet. She is the one quietly judging you wishing she were talking not making up stories about you. Although, often the stories in her head are far more entertaining than reality. The Observer is the one who actively practices the stare down (mentioned above) and who may or may not suffer from social anxiety or be known as One Crazy Chick.

*I have so many favorite posts of Tiffany's it was hard to decide what to tell you to read. I mean, it seems everyone loves them a good OB story and so do I. But, no one loves a copy cat, so I say go read Boot What? Tiff - I need some follow up on that hell!

*My name is Kandace and you can find me writing about my life over at One Crazy Chick...sometimes I even write about our Stripper pole!